The Da Vinci Cod

Ever so wished I had a Da Vinci Cod, a slathering piece of hard, oily, fatty fish, to hit the living daylights out of the freaking caucasian prostitute (I think she is one) sitting in front of me during the Da Vinci Code.

She had to slam her Uranus-sized asses down the seat and, as the seat allowed partial reclining, the edge of the plastic seat back smacked right into my shins.

So what if she's a freaking ang moh? Any woman who cannot behave herself in public is actually no different from a loud-mouthed prostitute. At least if Pretty Woman was crude, she was, well, pretty. What is she?

Old like anything. So what if she is dragging a man and another woman, both caucasian? Threesomes are not uncommon in their culture.

Well, what would I do if I had a rock hard frozen hammer of cod? *Evil grin!* What do you think? Shouldn't the question be "What wouldN'T I do if I had a rock hard frozen hammer of cod?"

I'll probably not try to knock the living daylights out of the prostitute. Hey, it's the night duh! I was watching the Da Vinci Code, which started screening at 9.15 pm. So whacking her is out of the question.

I had a huge cup of Root Beer with me during the screening. I could have attempted to spill some on her. Well, accidents do happen, and it would also be nice if I could just pour the drink down her frizzly hair. But I thought better of using my $2.10 drink in such a low-grade manner, no matter I'm dealing with a low down life form. The drink had more dignity than that.

I was super duper tempted to kick the back of her seat and shake her bon-bons and boo-boobs a little. But I hadn't the leverage to do that. The chatty Indian couple snacking on chips did not make finding an additional toe hold any easier. So, lest I want to do a backward somersaut arising from the reaction from kicking of her 2 Uranuses, I'd better think of something else.

Halfway through the show, she rocked her seat and hit into my shin again. I really regretted eating up all the bread with the curried potato fillings. Perchance those would make interesting projectiles. Ah, it only dawned upon me that I should have opened a packet of my kaya bread and apply some of it on the buttered frizzy toast. Darn! Hindsight is 20-20, but hindsight is more often than not, too late.

Suddenly, she raised her hands and placed them behind the man and the other woman's shoulders. I should have found some way of bruising them, but then again, the difficulty of finding a place to launch an attack stopped me.

So, a Da Vinci cod would have helped. I'd be able to throw it at her as a spear or dump it on her seat before she sat down. The cold frozen mega-cigar might have made her jump up and as luck might have it, she may fall forward, down a row of seats and her dress might fall down.

I'll then pick up my Da Vinci cod. Don't imagine - I'll probably not try to shove it up her you know where. That's for sure. I doubt salmon and cod smell well when put together.